Expressions. Lemonade. Food

Last night was a very successful, fulfilling, and one of many events at home. I feel like I’ve been doing these particular events for so long. I’ve hosted parties, planned a surprise party, and sleepovers. I’ve hosted a jewelry party, that didn’t turn out the way I’d like. I also planned a meet up outside in the park where a few women showed up. So I’ve gotten my feet wet. But last night felt different, in the sense that it felt like something I’ve done before. But I haven’t. I’ve invited friends over and cooked for large groups of people. I’ve done that. I’ve mastered hosting and I love it. But this came natural to me. I felt whole and in my element as I coordinated a Q&A exercise about fears and support. There’s no question of what I’m supposed to be doing. I loved how I managed the women. I was great at facilitating. I didn’t expect anything less. It was just empowering to be reminded of how great I am when I’m in that space. I’m such a natural. I was very proud of myself and the way I handled the evening.

Talia said, “You’re such a teacher” (one of my childhood dream jobs). I felt like a glob of love. I was comfortable in my skin, confident, happy, humble, and open. I felt at one, grounded. I felt so grounded. In control, but out of control. All the feels of a woman who’s about some shit. If I can capture just a fraction of that woman, embody her daily, I’d be winning. I am her. That night, I was the woman I strive to be. I was forgiving, loving, caring, uncompromising of herself, confident, and flexible. I was that and more. I wrote, “I was that woman”, past tense, as if I can only exist as this powerful person when she’s evident. But when I don’t feel like I’m living to her standards, she ceases to exist. She’s that potential I write about being scared of. But I lived in her skin so easily. I allowed myself to be me in the presence of friends so gracefully. I captured a lifetime of validation because I sought out to do something I’ve been wanting to do since forever. I’m validated in being myself because I wasn’t waiting for the women to agree. I just did me, never stopping to hope they accept me.

In all the vainness it took for me to journal about myself. My vanity and arrogance is well justified by my habit to criticize, over analyze, judge, and be mean to myself. They say we’re our worst enemy. And I have been a force in my own way. I’m even cocky with that realization. I’m so powerful that I can be in my own way. I have the ability to stop my own progress. If that power was reversed and put to better use, imagine the possibilities. You see, I care way too much about what people think of me. It’s stifling. I have the gift to express myself, in all ways that fit my mood. Even through my words, I can perfectly describe how I’m the shit after hosting my first sister circle, while simultaneously expressing my uncertainty. I thought twice about sharing this online. I thought, “what will the women think?” Was this a buffer to feed my ego or fulfill an alternative agenda. But no sis, you see I’d like for us all to walk away with the same cockiness and love for self, even the host; myself included.

-Rebekah Love (May 23, 2016) (strait from my journal)

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